The Fish Effect- Love, Labor, and Loss

Joe*, who sits across from me, tells me the story of his first heartbreak. He remembers walking into his room, looking around, and relizing that someone was missing.

"Ahhh, I'm gonna jerk some tears for this one. I was about to go to bed...and I only had two things left to do. I had to clean my fishbowl and change the water...and then I had to brush my teeth. Okay, um, so, sorry, I started to fill my fishbowl...it was kinda dark, only my night light, and I looked down..."

Joe was unable to finish this sentance as he broke down, and punched the table with his bare fist.

Joe is one of the many affected by fish suicide. It leaves only a shell of a man, his eyes are now glassy and welling with the ghost of his dead companion.

"Um, I have liek 40 goldfish. I don't know. Oh! I know, my fish was called blinky! Yeah. I remember why I named it that- after that Ms. Pac-man character."

Devastating, I felt my own eyes water as I listened, enraptured, to his woeful tale. It is undescribable, the loss of a companion who loves you unconditionally, who's life was composed of simple joys... who's life, you feel, is undeniably in your own two hands.

"Continue," I told him. He choked on his words. He shook his head with sadness. "I understand I told him." He swallowed hard and went on:

"Yeah, so, um, wait, where am I?"

I looked at him confused. He gazed off into the distance.

"So I thought I put the right amount of water in the bowl, then I proceeded to brush my teeth, super fast, for I had businnes to do. I had to turn off my night light. SO then I carried the bowl like a sacred artifact to the bathroom. I don't remember that much. It wasnt' really a big deal. I hated that fish. He was a bully and a jerk. I went to bed and dreamt of cabbage and little kids. I woke up and I looked to my fish and give it its morning kiss. I usually put on my snorkel and scuba dive in there and give him a big wet one.

He wasn't there.

I was DEVASTATED. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. I was frantic, I ran around the room to see where he was. I ran in circles, for heaven sake, tearing my hair out of my head and praying for god to give me what's his name back. Later that day I was going to my grandmother's house. She's my favorite. I was planning on visiting with her- not after this tragedy though. I couldn't face her smiling face, knowing that somewhere Blinky was lying dead on the floor. She had taken too much vicadin and couldnt' even remember my name. In her confustion, she broke the bowl and fell to the floor. When she was on the floor, she found Blinky's dead carcus. She ate it, thinking it was a burrito of some sort. My grandmother is an immigrant from Mexico. "

Joe took his glass of wine and held it up to the light, swirling it in the glass. He lifted his cigar out of the ashtray with his other hand and took a long puff.
"I'm not one to drag on..." He said, "but this story cannot be cut short. Soon after I got a tatoo with a portrait of blinky, in old english that says ride til ya die."

"Ride...till you die?" I asked.

"Yeah...me and...Blinky? Yeah, me and Blinky rode a lot." He looked out the window, and sighed. "Yes, we had some good times."

"Maybe you shouldnt have taken your fish in the car..."

"Oh, he liked it." Joe assured me, nodding his head vigorously. "As much as my grandmother liked burritos." At that, he broke down again, spilling his wine all over his lap. "Yes, just as much."






*Name has been changed.

Old Fish

Old Fish

Many people are interested in their ancestery, their heritige, and even the roots of their own evolution. Indeed, man has gone through many changes to become the homeosapien that he is today. But not many people stop to wonder about the origins of fish, even though the oldest fish were much more impressive than early man.

The picture above, the Dunkosteus Terelli, was probably one of the meanest pre-historic fish around, and one of the main predators too. It was about 33 feet long and could bite a shark in half. It is a placoderm, which means that instead of a soft skin it was armoured.

The most terrifying thing about the Dunkosteus was its bite- instead of teeth, the fish had developed gnathal plates that could exert 8,000 pounds of pressure- that's more than a great white shark, and also rivals the T-rex.

Becuase these mean prehistoric fish are long gone, man has little to worry about these huge predators.

But there are some fish that date all the way back to the beginning of time that still swim around today. One example is the coelacanth, who can live up to 100 years. It is not as fierce as the dunkosteus, but it still thrives today, which says something for its endurance.

The most intimidating prehistoric animal by far would be the Megadon, or the Giant Shark. Because it's body was made of cartilage, not bone, it has been difficult to find an accurate size. However, the smallest guess has been around 52 feet. "The Grandaddy of all Sharks" is rumoured to be the ancestor of the much smaller great white, and has teeth that are bigger than a man's hands. It had an amazing diet as well- while other sharks feasted on small fish fish, this shark ate whales.

Rosie o' Donnel and the Hagfish

Celebrity Look Alikes

The lionfish, also known as the turkey fish, is famous for being both poisonous and beautiful. They are successful predators of the sea; the Lionfish is gifted with quick movement and fins that fan out to corner their prey. Like Cher's hair, the fish come in a variety of colors: black, orange, red, etc. Their spines deliver a painful venom to predators and prey that are trying to escape. They have been known to inflict wounds on curious divers and aquarium enthusiasts.

Even more colorful is the cuttlefish, which can blend into its surroundings and change color as it changes its mood. The cuttlefish pictured here next to Manson is almost as white as he is, but that doesn't mean he will stay this way for long:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SCgtYWUybIE

Indeed, the cuttlefish is the most cunning of hunters for its ability to blend in with seaweed and sand. They live near shorelines, so that they can feed off of smaller particles that wash up with the tide.

The cuttlefish can range from the size of a baseball to the size of a small dog. Larger cuttlefish are found off the coast of Australia, where they have been known to follow divers around. They are a type of squid known for their intelligence and curiosity...unlike Manson.

The most striking resemblance is the hagfish and Rosie O'Donnel. The hagfish is known for its disgusting slime that it secretes and how it feeds on its prey- not by eating it from the outside, but by eating it from the inside. They enter through any (and by any, i mean ANY) opening in the fish, eating its intestines.

The tomato clownfish is one of the lesser-known types of clownfish, with its bright red coloring. The clownfish hide in sea anemones to protect themselves from predators. Recently, the clownfish Nemo made his appearance on the big screen in the hit movie Finding Nemo. Will Ferrel has also had some hit films such as Stranger than Fiction, Elf, and Anchorman.

The Invisible Shark and the Virgin Mary

One of the most unique sharks in the world is also one of the most elusive. For many years, the Cookie Cutter Shark was thought to be only a myth. Ships would return back to port with curious bite marks that were almost perfectly circular in their hull. For a while, the possibility that it was an animal seemed impossible; the holes in the hulls were too perfect.



The cookie cutter shark has a circular set of teeth that allows it to take chunks out of its prey.
Instead of having a set of teeth that bite down on its prey, the cookie cutter runs into another fish and take a "plug" of meat out of it. Another interesting thing the cookie cutter does is glow in the dark- a rare trait called bioluminesence. But because of the minimal cookie cutter/human contact, there hasn't been much information about this strange fish.





Meanwhile, the Virginia Aquarium scratches their heads at another shark mystery. Tidbit, a blacktip reef shark, had been put under sedative and gotten her yearly checkup. However, the sedatives were not agreeing with Tidbit's body. Later, she died quite suddenly, leaving the aquarium employees to wonder why she had reacted so badly to the sedative.

Later, when Tidbit was receiving an autopsy, vet Bob George noticed a small, unborn baby. It was almost fully functional, with only a short amount of time left before the birth. The only problem:


There was absolutely no way Tidbit could have had a baby.


Blacktip sharks only mate with other blacktip sharks, and Tidbit was the only Blacktip in her tank- and had been for about 10 years. A fatherless birth- it seemed impossible. What's more, Tidbit showed no evidence of being pregnant; so if the baby had been born, the aquarium staff probably wouldn't have noticed.

This virgin birth has really only been seen a couple times before in animals (and also in the Bible), and scientists still arent quite clear on how some sharks can have fatherless babies.
Asexual reproduction is somewhat of a miracle- it's a neat trick. It involves the process of parthogenesis, and it usually happens in insects.

Tidbit's case could hold some very interesting information. If a shark can complete the process of parthogenesis, then what other animals can? Moreover, could humans gain from this research?

The Ugliest Fish in the World

You'd be surprised at mother nature.

You'd also be surprised at what we eat.

Monkfish, arguably the ugliest fish in the world, is considered a fine dish in many countries, including America. Recently, the monkfish reared its ugly head on the popular reality TV show, "Top Chef", where the contestants cooked up dishes such as "Monkfish with Marscapone Potatoes" and "Monkfish Liver braised with Apple Hash". Even Julia Child liked to cook with Monkfish.

Monkfish can be found anywhere from the Grand Banks to South Carolina. Occasionally, a monkfish will wander into the bottom of the Chesapeake. The monkfish can grow up to three feet long (normally- some have been reported to be six feet long), and is a bottom feeder. Despite its appearance, this fish is extremely popular. The meat is sweet and firm, and it goes well with almost anything. There are now several sites devoted to preparing the ugly monkfish, such as monkfish.net.

Lately, the monkfish has become more and more expensive, due to overfishing and rarity. As a reaction to this, the FMP (Monkfish Fishery Management Plan) has been regulating the population.

But that's not the most ridiculous fish that people consider gourmet. The infamous Fugu, or puffer fish, is one of the most dangerous dishes in the world. For, if this pufferfish isn't prepared just right, then the Fugu is deadly. This is because the fugu is loaded with tetrodotoxin- a poison that paralyzes the muscles. The most poisonous (and most expensive) fugu is the torafugu. A usual torafugu dish goes for about 100-200 dollars per dish.

For years, many have been fascinated by this delicacy, and it has been cooked in many parts of Asia. Of course, in order to prepare it and sell it, the chef must be licensed. Thankfully, illegal fugu-cooking has gone down, and because you can now buy prepared fugu at the grocery store, the number of fugu deaths has gone down as well.

So even though it is one of the ugliest fishes in the world, the monkfish has enjoyed more and more popularity. And the fugu remains a frequent dish as well, even though it is loaded with a paralyizing poison. Despite their appearances, or even the chance that they might kill you, people still insist on eating weird fish.